7:56 pm: We're one hour from the year's biggest party: the MTV VMAs -- better known this year as Britney's Big Comeback. We have our seatbelts on. You know, just in case.
8:01 pm: MTV launches with the requisite pre-party and red carpet arrivals, live from the Palms Casino in Las Vegas. Holy bleach blonde, Batman! VJ John Norris looks kind of like a mini Perez Hilton tonight, no?
8:03 pm: Pete Wentz is without a hoodie. This is like that 'Seinfeld' episode where everything is opposite. Does this mean Britney will be wearing underwear?
8:06 pm: MTV introduces their own fashion gauge for the evening: Jackpot or Jacknot. Get it? Vegas. Jackpot. Oh MTV, you keep us young.
8:11 pm: Our first, legit Jacknot. Lil Mama. Her poufy lavender get up looks curiously like one of the kids from Munchkinland ... on crack.
8:15 pm: Nelly Furtado is a blonde now. Five bucks said she and Norris planned this after they got their manis and pedis.
8:24 pm: Common calls Chris Brown a Jackpot. In any other context, we'd raise an eyebrow.
8:26 pm: Now next to Norris: Boys Like Girls, who, interestingly it seems, also like wearing girls' pants.
8:31pm: Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger and Lil Wayne offer up the first live performance of the night -- one from which we learned the many acrobatics one can do in a metal box and short skirt.
8:39 pm: System of a Down's Serj Tankian, who will be playing in the Foo Fighters' suite, tells our Popeater Vegas correspondent that he has a little surprise in store this evening. "Dave [Grohl] called me and asked me if I want to do a cover," he says. "I can't say what it is, but it'll be fun."
8:43 pm: Kanye West looks like a gentleman and cops to what we all knew: 50 vs. Kanye is purely a publicity stunt.
8:45 pm: What we also knew: Jennifer Garner is hot.
8:49 pm: Paris Hilton is bringing 'Dynasty' back.
8:51 pm: Panic! At the Disco tells Popeater their VMA weekend highlight was watching Season One of '24' on DVD.
8:57pm: Grohl reveals the Tankian duet will be a Dead Kennedys tune.
8:59 pm: It's Britney, b****!
9:01 pm: Rihanna's face reads: "Oh no she di'in't."
9:02 pm: Britney looks almost as bored as we are. Ashlee should've given her some lip-syncing lessons. She seemed to completely forget to sing along to her classy new tagline. Brit-Brit is rusty, but her backup dancers are doing a great job at least, hanging from go-go poles and what-not.
9:04 pm: Sarah Silverman: "Have you seen Britney's kids? They are the most adorable mistakes." And then made the most vulgar lip gesture we've seen on broadcast television in recent memory.
9:10 pm: Rihanna wins Monster Single of the Year for 'Umbrella' and hobbles on stage, ella-ella-ella.
9:24 pm: Jennifer Hudson and Robin Thicke present Justin Timberlake with the first-ever Quadruple Threat Award. Timberlake challenges MTV to play more videos. We knew he was the smartest Mouseketeer. In other news, Bono lost to a Mouseketeer.
9:27 pm: Fall Out Boy are trashing their performance suite. Pete Wentz, meet cliche. Cliche, Pete Wentz.
9:33 pm: Kanye and 50 team to present the award for Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration. Beyonce and Shakira win. Hey, it's a frat boy's world and we're just livin' in it.
9:41pm: Oh, look. A rapper, a go-go dancer and a pole.
9:42 pm: Chris Brown makes his VMA performance debut. His lip-synching is about on par with Brit's.
9:46 pm: Aw, yeah! Rihanna takes the stage for 'Umbrella' ella-ella-ella ey, ey, ey. As for those Ashanti blew up Janet Jackson-style rumors: as if.
9:49 pm: Now Brown's just showing off, kickin' it Jacko style. Nelly looks skurred.
10:07 pm: Female Arist of the Year is Fergie, y'all.
10:08 pm: Pamela Anderson gets up on a table to make her presentation. 'Nuff said.
10:09 pm: Another Kanye West performance. By our watch, it's only 7:09 pm in Vegas, yet It's dark outside. Turns out that whole "Live from Vegas" thing had some fine print.
10:20 pm: Will someone hug Chester Bennington, please? Seriously. Maybe just give him an ice cream cone. Those are nice.
10:23 pm: Fall Out Boy win Group of the Year. Good to see presenter, 'Entourage' star Adrian Grenier, dressed for the occasion.
10:24 pm: Finally, the Tankian-Foos take of the Dead Kennedys' 'Holiday in Cambodia.' Jackpot.
10:30 pm: Rihanna and Fall Out Boy team for 'Shut Up and Drive.' Patrick Stump is officially in with the hot chicks.
10:34 pm: Alicia Keys and her hair saves the VMAs from its soul-destroying lack of talent. A George Michael cover saves the show from completely sucking. Irony?
10:46 pm: Jamie Foxx's stage banter: awkward and charmingly self-serving.
10:47 pm: Best New Artist goes to Gym Class Heroes. Also, awkward. Like Winehouse needs another sorrow to drown.
10:49 pm: Ms. South Carolina reminds us why the world needs more Tina Fey's. As if the pole-dancers didn't.
10:56 pm: An uber-buff Dr. Dre gets a much-deserved standing ovation from the crowd before presenting Rihanna with the Video of the Year award for 'Umbrella.' But you probably figured that much.
11:04 pm: Fat lady, sing please?
11:05 pm: Nope. Just Nelly Furtado. By the by, Christina Aguilera called and she wants her image back.
11:07 pm: More JT. More Timbaland. We call this the ego-stroke remix.
11:11 pm: Stick a fork in 'em, folks. We're off to LAX to drink mimosas and hug it out with Britney. Or not.