As Easter approaches and kids are coloring eggs, The BoomBox has some eggs of our own -- rotten ones. These 10 song were simply bad eggs -- ones we can't justify liking, and that you shouldn't either. While some of these tracks actually charted, we still refuse to acknowledge their redeeming qualities for the sake of this piece. As you peruse the list, hold your nose: some of these songs stunk. By the way, if any of these tracks suddenly show up on the iTunes charts, we'll know who's responsible.
What did this song even mean? Yes, we know Jay-Z got Hammer all upset over his line in "So Appalled," where he used the former superstar as an example of a bankrupt cautionary tale. That doesn't mean Mr. "2 Legit 2 Quit" had to climb out of retirement and start beef. Jay was simply stating the facts, and in return, Hammer tried to deafen him and the rest of the global population. Plus, the video looks like it came from a 1982 home movie.
To quote the incomparable Sara Stokes -- or whoever wrote her verse: "Something happens when you touch me/ I get open, and my leg starts quivering." What is she, a dog? Then Babs comes in and starts yelling: "Sex ain't the bomb if the girl ain't sweaty." Who wrote the lyrics to this song? Was it you, Diddy? If so, we have five better songwriters for you: Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and Dylan.
First of all, "Sexy Boy Christmas" sounds like something Chris Stokes made up to get the boys from B2K and Immature to dress like little elves and sit on his lap. Too soon? This song was off B2K's Santa Hooked Me Up Christmas album. Given the circumstances that surrounded this band once Raz B spoke his mind about molestation allegations, it makes this song sound all sorts of creepy. In fact, don't even listen to this song if you're over 18. Your ears might go to jail.
No to be confused with Raekwon's classic track. Ever. The R. Kelly-produced Johnson Sisters turn a favored summertime treat into something disgusting by wearing basketball jerseys and asking the fellas to taste ... their ... ice ... cream. The song doesn't even make much sense, because they keep struggling with maintaining the metaphor of ice cream as a euphemism for sex. The video is even worse, with the sisters sucking on lollipops poolside and then a gang of children has an ice cream-eating contest. Something isn't right here, JS. 31 flavors; 31 ways to be completely annoying.
6. Nicki Minaj's "Massive Attack" Feat. Sean Garrett
Ah yes, the greatest hiccup in Nicki Minaj's career to date. Even Barbz herself denounces this song, so we have to agree with her. When Nicki was merely minutes away from stardom, and the world was awaiting her first major single, she went and dropped this dirty wig on our heads. Sean Garrett assisted in the assault, and the whole experience from song to video was just terrible. She's made it up to the world, though, hasn't she?
5. R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 1)"
Chapter one ... and all 387 chapters that followed. There was that really weird time in R. Kelly's career when he started hanging out with Ron Isley and couldn't stop making these stupid storytelling songs where he was singing in conversation. You're not Slick Rick, Robert. "Trapped in the Closet" was the coup de grace, despite there being many more songs like this after it. Nobody really knew what R. Kelly was trying to accomplish with these things, and we still don't.
4. Shaquille O'Neal's "(I Know I Got) Skills"
Yes Shaq, we know you got skills ... in basketball. Blame all of this on the Fu-Schnickens for inviting Shaq on "What's Up Doc?" There, he was all, "I'm the hoopa, the hypa, ya betta decypha," or whatever he said, and all of a sudden, Shaq had a rap career. He's the reason why athletes think they can rhyme. We hope you're happy now, Shaq. This song right here, though; the battle cry. What an awkward way to tell us all you've got skills, Shaq.
3. Kevin Federline's "Lose Control"
As if "Popo Zao" didn't crush enough souls, K-Fed went and released this track. This came at a time when a Britney Spears cosign really meant something. K-Fed in all of his cornrowed goodness decided to show everyone that not only was he a fly dancer, but he was an impassioned MC as well. "This is that hip-hop flavor mixed with a little bit of rock 'n' roll." Oh is it now, Kevin? Thankfully, K-Fed signed his rap career once his album, Playing With Fire, arrived. Case closed.
2. Ja Rule's "Put It On Me" Feat. Lil Mo & Vita
Someone somewhere is saying to themselves, "This was my jam back in the day! How dare you?" How dare us? How dare YOU for still cosigning this song years after its demise. Ja Rule allowed a whole string of hits -- many including Ashanti -- to slide past the "bad song" radar simply based on cutesy production and sugary hooks alone. This "every thug needs a lady" anthem was probably the worst of all because Ja introduced us to his singing career. No bueno, Mr. Rule.
1. Riskay's "Smell Yo D---"
The least expensive way to tell if your man is cheating outside of taking him on Jerry Springer. This viral video disaster evolved into a quasi-club anthem, and we still have no idea how it happened. The theory is if you tell your man to drop trou and sniff his genitals, you can tell he is cheating. One, if it smells like soap, it means he just cheated and then took a shower. Two, if it smells like something else. OK, this is just gross, and so was this song.
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